MOA- Learning what love means.

A shift in perspective is all I needed to have, to start to understand what love felt like. From a young age, I felt a lot of pressure on myself to protect, defend, and care for those closest to me. A lot of wonky atmospheres surrounded me, providing an unsteady ground to grow from. I am so fortunate to have the family that raised me and to have the beautiful, outdoor childhood that I had, but everyone is human, we all go through our things and react outwardly which unfortunately then may affect the ones we love most. This basis of how my surroundings shaped my mind, played heavily on how it impacted my values and human nature.

I started competitive sports at the age of four and continued them until the age of fifteen. These sports were not team sports that gave you a sense of pride and friendship, they ranged from gymnastics, cheerleading, trampolining, running, swimming, horse riding, and surf lifesaving. This range of sports in particular is very individualist. They all need you to be hyper-aware of your skill and they teach you how to perfect your craft as well as yourself. Along with your perfectionism, there is a huge pressure from the surrounding people to be the best of the best. At the age of 10, I started training 12 hours a week in competitive gymnastics. I remember having so much pressure on me that I wouldn't allow myself to feel proud of what I accomplished because I felt that if I celebrated a win, I would disappoint myself the next time around. I learned to hold in my happiness, eventually creating a sense of low self-worth due to my inability to see myself as something greater than my achievements. This pressure in sports affected my mind in the way it developed throughout my adult life. I started modeling at the age of 17 years old and found familiarity with the individualism aspect of it. It was comfortable and I knew how to get back into the headspace of becoming determined to keep going without showing weakness in my wins and losses.

The mental process of maintaining perfectionism within myself went like this…

Once I gained knowledge of what I needed to be doing and what trajectory to take to be an “all-rounded winner”, I would conform to that headspace. So for example in modeling, I would research and learn about the most timeless and popular modeling trends and brands that seemed respected by all groups of the industry, not just one niche. I would sell my “brand” as if I was part of this image but more, meaning I would take what I learned and then create my spin on it, which in turn looks like I am already part of the trend and have the confidence in my image to be more than the trend, eventually creating my trend. It was a skill I learned in gymnastics at a young age. I remember always being told my skills were never perfect and I was always a little scared to commit to a flip, but my form and body language was perfect and that's what would usually assist my win. I realized the art of mastering the “outer part” of myself to the point where the people surrounding me only saw flawlessness so that I wouldn't have to deal with the terrified shy inner soul inside me.

This false confidence has been with me my whole life. I've always been nice, calm, beautiful and creative. Never once have I ever been told by an outsider that I seem powerful. I molded my mind to believe that I was okay since everyone always saw me this way. I learned through my sport that the love I needed to have for myself came from the outside, how I needed to look, or how I acted towards people. I became a people pleaser, a perfectionist towards myself, and allowed the world to see me as a sweet innocent human. In this long process of losing my inner power, I never learned to love. Love was an artificial thing to me that I never really saw growing up and I never needed it for myself since I was always living life through people's perceptions and held all of my value in my body, looks, and kindness. Never once did I think this wiring in my mind would cause such pain and loneliness. Living a life where you only know the outer you and don't know how to access the inner intelligence inside yourself is a very excruciating way of life. I didn't know who I was, I couldn't feel love, if I felt pain I would fix it by fixing how I looked. I had no perception of living in a state of calm since my body was always changing and life around me continuously changed. It was almost as If my body was my home and I left it one day when I was 4, but unfortunately left the key inside, I was too young to learn I needed to find a way back in to open the door to my home to see everything I needed was already there, I didn't need to keep renovating, trimming the gardens, showing off to my friends. I already had the important things of life in that home within my body, but I never got the chance to explore them, leaving me to believe the outside was all I had.

I recently went to a silent meditation retreat at a nature reserve for 7 days. I decided to go due to my therapist referring to me feeling like I would enjoy the serenity of the whole thing. I was quite undecided and didn't plan to go but something inside me applied anyway. I got in and still didn't know if I would do it due to the amount it cost. One night I was sitting around with my parents and they agreed that I should risk it and try it out. No one knew what I was truly about to encounter, definitely not myself. I will write more about this experience in another blog dedicated to this life-changing event, but the moral of how this changed me and altered my perception was the way it forced me to look inward, it forced me to find the cracked window of my locked home and find a way inside. I entered into myself, explored things I never knew I had stored away, and found things I thought I lost. The main thing I found within myself was the power of my simplicity, the way to love myself most simply without all of the perfection and materialistic things. I found my silence, I listened to it and truly heard what it wanted me to finally hear. Silence showed me the power of my impact on earth, my strengths, and the love I had shut away to protect myself from my fear of not being perfect enough. Love is the most imperfect thing a human will endure but that's what makes it so beautiful.

- Sabrina